Whatever

If you’re one of those people who starts every new year by making a list of all the ways you will change for the better in the twelve months ahead, I have one word of advice for you: DON’T.

Don’t make a list. Don’t think things will get better. And most of all, don’t change.

Trust me, it’s not worth the effort. Nothing you can do will change your miserable situation, unless, of course, you quit, and then you’ll have to go through all the trouble of getting a new job, which will certainly be no better than the position you currently have. It could even be worse, at least for the first five years, when you’ll have to meet a bunch of new people to hate, locate a gaggle of new people with funny names, and spend precious goofing-off hours finding the bathrooms.

Moreover, all the effort you put into useless changes could better be spent on truly useful endeavors, like scouring your current office to find new places to nap.

But you’re unhappy, you say, in your present position. To which I say, so is everyone else. Even the lucky stiffs in Bank who are collecting multi-million Pound bonuses are miserable. Really! I’m not saying you need to send sympathy cards, but I have read that due to limited production quotas, many of the newly minted gazillionaires will not be able to procure the new £250,000 Ferrari 599 GTB . Imagine how miserable these disappointed banking warriors will be when forced to spend 2010 driving from their Chelsea penthouses to their European beach houses in last year’s Lamborghini Murcielagos. And you think you have it tough!

Another reason not to start 2010 with visions of bettering yourself is that most of these corporate self-improvement projects cause more harm than good. Let’s look at few of the classic New Year’s resolutions and see the consequences of trying to make 2010 a better year by becoming a better you.

Resolution #1: I’m going to lose weight.

I know that your physician may tell you that you will live longer if you lose weight, but I’ll bet your physician never told you that being fat will help your career. It’s true – fat people earn more than 200% more than skinny, healthy people, and that’s a proven fact according to a study sponsored by the NMTWP (National Muffin Top Wearing Public.)

If you start a diet and eat only healthy foods, you will not be spending very much time in the coffee room, gobbling up the cookies, cakes, pastries and left-over potato salad left out from last week’s staff meeting. This means you will be spending significantly less time schmoozing with your clients, developing the kind of interpersonal connections that could elevate you to a top position when one of your coffee-mates drops dead of a heart attack.

Resolution #2: I’m going to work out regularly.

Another really bad idea. Sure, you can go to the gym before and after work, but let’s face facts -- no improvement in your physical condition can neutralize the complete mental meltdown you will suffer when seeing your bloated body stuffed into Lycra and Spandex? Besides, if you spend all your spare time in the gym, you’ll lose out on networking opportunities that come from leaning against the bar at the Penthouse ( or somewhere just as cool ;-), or the bonding you’ll develop with the co-workers assigned to drag you home every night after a successful event.

Worse of all is the possibility that you will actually get buff and become attractive to those randy, highly-hormonal young employees who are seeking a mentor among the senior staff. With three or four of these love bunnies throwing themselves at you from nine to nine, you are certain to lose focus on your work product, and on your spouse, who will divorce you, demanding custody of your large-screen TV, and leaving you the children.  

Resolution #3: I’m going to get organized.

If you want a recipe for unemployment, clear off your desk. It’s OK to do nothing at the office, as long as it looks like you’re busy. Without the clutter, everyone will think you’re the lazy slug you really are. I say: go out a buy a couple of pounds of debris from the nearest skip. You may have to pay extra for the extra smelly stuff, but it’s money well spent – the stench could keep the boss away until January 2010.

 

could i be the love child of Elton John and David Furnish

It’s one of those tricky social situations,is it not? How to react when the cause is great but the event disappointing?

What to do?

I had several options: confront the offending party organizer, ask them to kick me out, cross me out of her address book forever or worse me doing the same to them thus consigning them to the social wasteland occupied by people who are not regularly invited to my parties (I say with a snigger and tongue firmly in cheek) .

I don’t want to say how I reacted at the time but subsequently I chose a fourth option, to moan in this blog at you and do nothing but smile all night and schmooze politely to all those that were there just to help a great cause. 

Last night I was of course at this year’s biggest Christmas Party, the Launch of Rio Ferdinand’s Foundation, Live the Dream.

The evening was held at Old Billingsgate and included a Champagne reception, that ran out in 25 minutes in and a sumptuous three course meal .

The highlight was the brilliantly funny MC Comedian James Corden and a final performance by JLS . The low was the lack of an opening by the Prime minister and a private performance by Robbie Williams.

To end let us not concentrate on the lows but the highs, a great group of people raising money for a excellent charity, meeting the Prince of Brunei, having a small chat with the exceptional pugilist David Haye (watch this space for an event together in 2010) and a lovely laugh with David Furnish about how I could be he’s and Elton’s’ illegitimate love child made this night still a success and lets not forget over £250,000 raised for this brilliant charity.

Merry Christmas to readers of this column, including literate monkeys and gerbils everywhere.

I’m actually lucky to have never had to go through any sort of office safety meetings. Perhaps the offices in events have just been ahead of the curve when it comes to not walking into walls?

Either way, that curve is apparently quite low when you read some of these hilarious clippings below:

What has this world come to when we have signs warning us about signs?

Office safety is no laughing matter. Here at Corporate Events Management, when we’re not playing Russian roulette with 3 week old canapés , we're busy learning the "best practices" in the world of office safety. And Damn there is there a lot to learn; for example, did you know that you cannot run with Scissors?

Signs arent supposed to be funny, but do you think sign writers know this?

 

From: ********************** 

Sent: 12 December 2008 10:46

To: ******* Staff

Subject: Please watch where you are going

Hi all,

We have had incidents of people walking into the first aid box 

by the Performance and reporting team, 

Please watch where you are walking. 

To try to prevent injury to people walking into the first aid box 

we have placed a plant next to it, yes that means that if you are 

not watching where you are going you are going to have to deal 

with the plant before you have to deal with the big metal box on 

the wall.

If you still walk into the first aid box (after walking over the 

plant) then please send a complaint to the Health and Safety 

officers: ************, ******************* and 

*********************.

If you are injured by not watching where you are going, then please 

contact a first aider: *********************, ******************** 

and ********************************.

Thank you and regards,

*******************

Sometimes Fact is Funnier then Fiction!

Have a great Christmas season and remember no matter how hard it is, take a moment to laugh..because life is short and funny.